The mind is a funny, funny thing. So powerful, so intricate, and yet so very weak. Strongly connected to that is this thing called resolve. In theory, I have loads of resolve. I have goals and dreams and things on my list of ‘to-do’s that are worthy and will improve my mind and my life. In practice, most of the time I have squat.
Now . . . that’s not an entirely fair thing to say. I do succeed in following through with resolve at times, but I fail far more often than I succeed. Some of that probably comes from setting pretty high expectations for myself. A lot of that failure also stems from small simple moments of defeat. From letting the little things that disappoint me about myself morph into huge feelings of inadequacy, or get so mixed up that I can’t decide what thing needs to be done, are worth doing – are more worth doing than relaxing ’cause I just seem tired and drained and I deserve to relax, right? I’m a busy woman. So when I do relax it often makes me feel guilty, and that guilt means that when a justified period of relaxation is over I feel even less capable of tackling those worthy or necessary endeavors and when I do tackle them (usually the necessary ones) I don’t have the clarity of mind and focus that is needed to make me feel proud of a job well done. A vicious, pernicious cycle develops.
This cycle has also affected my ability to write – both here and in other realms. Some heart wounding feedback regarding my creative work has left me feeling incapable and overwhelmed at the task to feel capable again, the hours it would require – because what if I put in all that time and energy and I still don’t have what it takes?
Now, I realize this is largely silly. Very few acknowledged writers didn’t experience tons of rejection before they became acknowledged . . . but it still hurts.
And when all those other little ‘failures’ group up with the big failures and I’m tired, cranky, and disappointed that I snap at the person closest to me – words coming out of my mouth before I even know they’ve been spoken – it’s hard to hold onto resolve. Sometimes though, really, resolve is all we have.
My fiance replied to a text where I admitted the bad day I was having and how I felt like a failure – his reply was “be happy (if you want!)” – A wise but risky reply. It reminded me of something I read the other day – “when you wake up in the morning you can roll out of bed into a miserable day or you can leap out into a wonderful one – the choice is yours.”
Maybe that’s true, and if it is true it should also be true half way through. I may have rolled into this day but I can choose to leap through the rest of it.
And you know the thing I like most about that image? It allows for those moments when my resolve weakens. Sometimes my leap will last longer and reach further than other times, but I’m not superman, I’m fully human so it’s okay and expected that I’ll come down from that leap at times, and when I do I have the opportunity to make the choice to leap again rather than give up and roll through the rest of my day.